The Rest Is Illusion Read online

  They were so still that passing creatures barely noticed them. They might just as well have turned to stone, yet they felt each breath as if it were a first experience. They saw each tree and stone and particle of snow as if it were a first sight. For the first time in her life, Sarah was able to remember what it was like to be an infant, impressed by the blossoming possibility of a newfound existence. And although Ashley had known the euphoria before, every time was different, every time a new epiphany, a striking new mystery solved. Dashel remained in their thoughts, but in the shelter of the wood and crystal cathedral, everything could be turned right.

  The trees towered in characteristic pride over them yet seemed to lean in. The gentle giants of the earth appeared to bend and watch the two of them being mesmerized by the tangible hallowed beauty around them. Barren trees swayed and whispered, passing their thoughts back and forth as they bowed and inspected the two strangers on the forest floor. The trees knew a language older than any studied on campus. They sang unspoken lyrics.

  Then a luminous glow came down through the limbs and branches of the trees, a light the trees could not keep out. The moonlight found a way to flood every part of the vale. The winter clouds had parted. Ashley stared up in awe at a moon hidden by branches, awaiting the reverence it was due. The trees stood erect again, disinterested in him and Sarah.

  Sarah untangled herself from their strange embrace and staggered up to look over the falls, down into the deeper gully. The moon’s brightness shadowed the creek so that it resembled a forgotten cobbled road leading to some ancient place. A place out of which myths are born. A place where the feeling of new experiences never dies, never exhausts or extinguishes, where the passion for truth is enmeshed in the very notion of life. Sarah soaked up the light from the moon, feeling it make her skin almost as white as Ashley’s.

  Ashley was amazed by her. She no longer seemed the young college coed who was afraid of her father, but instead she was a goddess of the twilight, lifting her arms and closing her eyes as she faced the cliff’s edge.

  She swayed her hips to some unheard music. The naked flesh of her hands and face were cleansed and honed by the moonlight. She had become La Luna, the Goddess of the Night Sky. The cliff, the very edge of it, was her place, her throne. Never was there a spot on earth more perfectly suited for an individual than that frozen waterfall cliff was for Sarah. From it, she controlled the nightfall and the twilight forest.

  At that moment, Ashley knew he was in love.

  What happened next was a blur for them both, a skewed second skittering out of time. Neither could quite remember the exact moment of the eclipse of light, but it happened.

  Sarah saw, for a brief instant, what seemed to be a striking pair of wings rise up from behind Ashley, as if from his very being. Expansive, silver wings with layers and layers of feathers that looked like steel fingers. They arched and expanded gallantly behind him. Encompassing. Welcoming. Then a flash of brilliant white light fanned over her, and she had the exhilarating sensation of a great fall. Yet, it didn’t seem an accident. No, this was an intentional release from a foothold. An exhalation and a descent.

  And then, the eclipse.

  Ashley saw her face shift from recognition to adoration to wonder. It all happened so quickly. He had barely lifted up to smile at her when she began to totter backward, dangerously near the edge of the cliff. The moment seemed stretched. Ashley reached for Sarah and felt her smooth skin and the touch of her cool flesh. He felt elation, a sense of dreamy weightlessness, a desire to fly, and then the sensation of being lifted. Altogether, it was a lovely state of ease and abandon. He closed his eyes on the forested world around him.

  And then, the eclipse.

  NEVER ONE to hide, he watched in the open yet went unnoticed even as Dash and Tony walked back to their fraternity. It was disquieting for him to be so totally unheeded, shouldered off as nothing more than a silhouette in the dark. Wilder felt a tinge of panic at the thought he might not be in control of things after all. He wasn’t the string-puller of his own fate.

  He walked with a troubled mind to the tree Dash and Tony had sat beneath, standing directly under it. It leered down at him in disrespect. With his hands buried deep in his pockets, he faced the valley. The moon was so big and bright, he found himself completely beguiled by it. Under another power. He stood for a time simply staring, as if something in him wanted to pray, wanted to grasp for more. But soon the sharp stab of realization hit him. He broke the moon’s spell and closed his eyes.

  When he opened them again, the world had darkened. His eyes were shut for only an instant, but the world was no longer bathed in moonlight. The moon had vanished. It was still there, he assured himself.

  Of course it is still there.

  An eclipse? He’d heard no reports of an expected eclipse. But something had hidden it, stolen it from its position of eternal night watch.

  Wilder noticed it was darker than normal night. He had the dreaded feeling a change was coming. A change beyond his sight.

  A breeze swept up from the river, coming up over the Point like a sheet laid over a sleeping child. All around him, Wilder heard the snow being misted about. Then the light came back into the world with a sly elegance, as if it were all a show. A display for augury. The magnificent moon revealed herself once again to the sleeping campus, as full and clean as she had always been. Wilder saw particles of snow twirling and swirling in the air in a frozen dance. Falling to the earth again in bows and curtsies. The moon seemed to be raining diminutive diamonds.

  Still standing beneath the tree, Wilder heard soft thuds in the snow beside him, then felt the cold sensation of a drop on his head. A trickle of water tickled down from crown to forehead. Wilder wiped it away in an annoyed huff.

  He looked up through the twisting thick limbs.

  The snow is melting!

  His hand massaged his forehead as if he had been pelted with a stone. Another drop fell, then another. An icy prick hit Wilder’s hand as he was rubbing his head. He jumped away, startled.

  Backing away from the tree onto the scenic road, he stared at the Old Lady in bewilderment. He almost slipped as he turned to make his way back to the Maze, back to his controlled environment.

  Chapter Six

  IT WAS like falling out of a dream. Everything was curious and vague, the blurry edges of an intruding world stealing over them. Sarah awoke with Ashley’s arms wrapped around her, his body still pressed firmly into hers. But the setting had changed. They were no longer surrounded by a resplendent forest that shielded them from the intrusions of the world. No, now they were in the world. The outer world. They had come back. Returned to campus.

  Sarah wiped the sleep from her eyes. Ashley had been awake for some time, waiting for her to come to. They were on the steps of the chapel. Other students passed on their way to class, staring at them as they rested on the concrete. Students unaware what else lay on the fringes of campus, at the end of certain lesser-marked trails.

  Sarah sat up suddenly, realizing things were out of sync. “Ash, what happened? We were in the forest… over the gully. How did we get here?” she demanded.

  “I don’t know.” He wasn’t looking at her. “I don’t have any explanation. We’re just here.”

  “Well, we must have climbed back up,” Sarah posited, searching for an answer. “But how?” She looked at him. “Do you remember climbing? How could we get out and not remember?”

  “No,” he said. “I don’t remember anything. I mean, I remember you falling, or was it jumping?”

  “Flying. Like when you fly in a dream,” she said. Her voice was hushed, as if it could damage the very air around them. “What did we smoke last night?”

  “Well, there’s no way we could have climbed, Sarah,” Ashley assured her. “Not in our conditions. And I don’t think waking up here can be explained away by the weed either.”

  “Then what? We flew?” She laughed, almost a little fearfully. “Or… or maybe the trees lifted
us back here?”

  “Or maybe we surfed a moon tide.” He smiled at her. “Does it even really matter? We had an experience no one I know has ever had. What does it matter how we got back? The point is we were there in the first place. We were allowed there to begin with.” His eyes were full and wide with gratitude. “It was a fairy tale. We were in the Woods.”

  Sarah mulled over the idea for a moment. She wanted to argue, to say there had to be a reason, a logical answer. But she remained quiet.

  “I guess logic might be overrated,” she said hesitantly as she settled back down into Ashley. “I’ve always wanted to be in a fairy tale.”

  Ashley sighed. “I think what happened to us was a pocket. I think we stumbled into a pocket of magic, Sarah. The magic that was here when the world was still new and young. We were open to it, and it was there, you know? I mean, it’s always there, but….”

  And deep inside, she understood. She knew somehow the world was still full of magic, light, and beauty, even when things seemed too caustic and fitful. She realized she needed to find Dash, call the hospital, and speak with him. She wanted to try to understand his thinking.

  Sarah wanted the truth, as raw and pure as it could be had.

  “Have you noticed the snow?” Ashley asked casually.

  She did then. “It’s melting,” she said, looking closer. “It’s melting fast!”

  “It’s been melting all morning. I’ve never seen snow melt so fast. The roads are now ice and slush,” Ashley said. “And that breeze. Do you feel that? I’ve never felt a breeze like that in weather like this. It’s a spring breeze blowing over winter snow.” Again, a gracious smile overtook his face. “It’s a little stronger now than it was when I first woke up.” His wild green hair was smashed over to one side from where he had been sleeping all night.

  “What a strange couple of days this has been,” Sarah observed, her voice languid and floating down to the ground as she said each word.

  She was on the threshold of drifting back into a dream when she heard Lydia approaching. The cheerful, girlish voice collided with Sarah’s moony state of mind, snapping her back.

  “Sarah!” Lydia rushed to the steps. “What are you doing? Where have you been? I’ve been looking everywhere for you! Your dad is here. He’s down in the lobby waiting for you.”

  Sarah’s heart shrunk in her chest. She stared at Lydia for a moment. Saw the words Lydia had spoken take form and fall with thuds.

  “Sarah? Did you hear me?”

  “Yeah…. Yes, I heard,” Sarah answered, rising from the steps as if she had weak ankles and needed support. “Thanks, Lydia.” She turned and looked down at Ashley who was still sitting. Without saying a word, she nodded at him, then sprang down from the chapel steps, running back to her dorm hall.

  TONY WOKE in Dashel’s room, in Dashel’s bed, with Dashel’s thin, tanned arms in a snug embrace around his torso. He lay there feeling comforted, yet knowing the quiet pleasure and intensity of the moment would give way to afterthought once he set foot into the hallway. Still, he could at least enjoy the warmth of Dashel’s flesh for a while longer. Tony could still keep rhythm with the beats of Dash’s heart and the cadence of his breath until the other brothers were safely out of the house and on their way to morning classes.

  The night before had been amazing, a soothing stroke of the hand over the spine—just what Tony had needed. When he and Dash had returned at last to the quiet house, neither had seemed the least awkward to undress and crawl into bed together. It had been the most casual and expected thing Tony had ever done. It was an effortless coming together. They spooned like brothers, innocently and without any expectation.

  Yet Tony would not decline if Dash ever offered more. His flesh tingled at the thought of having Dash in that manner. Of feeling Dash within him, his own legs splayed wide as Dash vigorously released inside him. That, though, did not happen. Dash was soon fast asleep, and Tony was lulled to sleep by Dashel’s purring in his ears.

  Morning came before long, and Tony was awake and content to remain the inner spoon as he watched a gentle stream of light slip through the drawn blinds and play with tiny dust particles in the air. There would be another time for lovemaking, in more careful surroundings.

  DASH LOVED the feel of Tony’s skin. It was much softer than he imagined a football player’s skin would be. He woke feeling that soft, warm skin and smelling the spicy scent of fried onions and peppers.

  Dash breathed in deep, letting Tony know he was awake. So it was like this, Dash thought. Here, at the end, he would find a partner. Someone he could have loved romantically. For a second, an angry impulse rose in him, but then he pushed the negative vibes from his mind. At least it is here at all, he chided himself, hugging Tony just a little bit tighter. At least before the end, there is someone.

  Dashel wanted to take Tony deeper into himself. He wanted to show him more. To show him luminous, beautiful secrets. He would take Tony to the barge after all. Tony would understand it. He would appreciate it. Dash sighed again, content.

  “Good morning,” Tony said.

  “Morning, Tony,” Dash said with all the affection he could summon. Neither of them stirred much. They were satisfied to lie undisturbed, even by the weight of their own words.

  “I’d like to read it when you’re done,” Tony said, indicating the great and mighty Independent Study.

  “My IS? Sure, you can read it,” Dash said with a lilt in his voice.

  “Thank you, Dash. For last night. Thanks for everything. You, the moon, the river… everything.” He squeezed one of Dashel’s hands in gratitude. The slightest brush of a hand along the sensitive head of his stiff dick made him want to come right there.

  “I want to show you something else today,” Dash said, now more full of life than he had been since the spring before. “Can you meet me by the tree this afternoon? Maybe around three o’clock? I don’t have any classes after that.” Not that it would have mattered if he had.

  There was a pause. “Yes. Yes, I can meet you.” Fuck Wilder, Tony thought to himself.

  They lay spooned for another half an hour, not speaking. The silence of companionship was sufficient. When they finally did rise, they dressed watching one another, smiling and affectionate. A perfect morning. At least until they had to face the rest of the world.

  “I wish every morning could look just like this,” Tony said.

  Dash opened the door and peered out into the hallway. No one was there. No one he could see. When he was sure no one was around, he ushered Tony out. Tony gave him a light peck on the cheek as he slipped away, still fastening his belt around his jeans. Dash grinned and faded back into his room, closing the door behind him.

  Across the hall, a door stood slightly ajar, just wide enough for one to see and hear the goings-on in the hallway. An interested eye watched as Tony left Dashel with a kiss. The eye of a herald, of a messenger.

  SARAH BURST into the foyer of the dorm hall out of breath and red-faced. A towering titan of a man sat on the faded upholstery of an overused lobby sofa, tersely observing her as she rushed in, as if she had disturbed his peace. Sarah could not remember the last time she had seen him smile, or if he even knew how. Perhaps smiles were a social pleasantry he never cared to learn. Still, he must love her. She knew he had to. He was her father, after all, the ruler of her known universe, the stoic man who grunted through the world with disenchanted looks and preached of God’s retribution, who wore His wrath like a mantle.

  The placidity of the night before vanished from Sarah’s mind at the sight of him. She stood in the doorway catching her breath, until another dorm resident crowded her way past Sarah, inadvertently pushing her closer to her father. The stranger.

  “I don’t like to be kept waiting, young lady,” he said, swiping at imaginary dust that might have settled on his gray slacks. He stood, staring at her solemnly. He dwarfed everything in the room when he rose to his feet. He was not only tall, but had developed a weight problem, l
eaving him a bulbous giant. The man was enormous. A glutton. And a hypocrite.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were coming,” Sarah responded timidly. She played with her hair, trying nervously to slick down the frazzled loose strands. She knew what he was going to say.

  “Didn’t know I was coming? Didn’t you get my message?” he said gruffly. “My heavens, Sarah, you look horrible. What have you been doing? Wrestling in a puddle?”

  She glanced to the floor to conceal her smile. He wasn’t far from the truth.

  “Look at me!” her father demanded. His voice threatened to rip away the walls of the dormitory.

  “Yes, sir,” she said, returning her gaze to him. No one on earth made her feel more at a loss. Her stomach pained her at the thought of having to spend the rest of the day with him. “What are you doing here, Dad?” she asked politely.

  “Just passing through,” her father responded, still looking stern and disapproving. “I was at a convention over the weekend. Thought I’d pay you a visit on the way home. See how our investment in your education is progressing.” He paused and looked her up and down as a matter of show. “From the looks of it, I think your mother and I might have better used our money elsewhere.”

  Sarah swallowed hard to keep the smile from disappearing from her face. He could cut her. Every word felt like a fresh gash.

  “Would you like to get something to eat, Daddy?” she segued. It was better to go ahead and get the day started. Maybe he wouldn’t want to stay too long. Maybe if she disgusted him enough, he would leave early.

  He stood silent for a few seconds and pursed his lips, his face softening slightly. “That’s sensible,” he said, nodding his large, balding head. “Go clean up. I’ll be waiting here. Find something decent to wear. Don’t come down looking like one of these sorority sluts.”